mermaidfins

I know he should mean nothing to me because I know I mean nothing to him.

I also know that he doesn't in any way, shape, or form belong to me.

I also know that he is a horrible friend, doesn't support me, doesn't care about me, and can't pull himself away from his own thoughts to even consider that there might be something bugging me in my life.


FKJSRHOIKS:HKRHIWEHDKJKSLDHLHRUIHDKSJDLSJDHKLS.

I'm not angry, I'm just frustrated.

Is there someone in this world that actually cares about what happens to me and who will stop for a second to listen and be on my side?

Summer is summer is summer.

Right now the man who steams the carpet is here, which means I had to wake up at 9:15 to take everything off the floor of my room and closets to put on my bed. Adding to that, I had about 1 hour of sleep last night, because for some reason my mind didn't want to stop racing and I was therefore prevented from physical rest.

Sigh.

And then yesterday I went out for tea at the great lodge with S. and M. and then we all decided we wanted to pet some kittens so we ended up in a cat shelter around 20 minutes away.  They were adorable, there were 100 of them, that's a given. When we finally decided to leave there was no place to turn around for awhile so M. took some exit and  I followed, and then we got mildly lost. By mildly I mean I had to be home by 5:00 to get my mom, and I wasn't home until 5:17, and then there was screaming and some YOU'RE NEVER TAKING MY CAR AGAIN.  And then there was an intense zumba class.         The end.

Sigh.

Basically, I want something to do. All I do is make friendship bracelets and mope in front of the tv, oh and I swim too.
Also 99% of my life I spend daydreaming about J. 

<3 <3 <3

I seriously can't wait until lake george, but the beach comes first and I'm excited for that too.  4 more days and 18 more days!!!!

Ack. Headache. I guess I'll have to find a spot on the couch.

nothing new. nothing's ever new.

you know what?


cause I wish I did.

My life seems to play on repeat, a mirror image of the past.  I haven't grown, I haven't changed, my future is bare and vast.  Monotony is slowly killing off the life I had stored inside. Now all that's left is a vacant room, an empty shell.  All traces of life and light have died.

I'm still the same weak person I've always been. I'm human, I surrender, I give up, I give in.

There's nothing else left for me to try without throwing away every comfort zone I've ever known.

Someone teach me how to respect myself and how to be brave when faced with change, the unknown, and concepts I can't seem to grasp.

I don't know who I am anymore than the average person does.  I'm more afraid of finding out than I am of losing myself.

Something about everything always leaves the world coated in a thin sheet of grey : there's nothing and no one in life that splashes color into my world. I wonder how long it will take for that to change, or for me to initiate the change.

I wish I could curl up in the bottom of my pool and fade into nothing but a few mermaid scales.

Melodramatic me.

I really would love to pick up my belongings and escape this town, escape these people.  I am absolutely disgusted with the complete and total ignorance of most of the people in my life.  Until I find someone that actually cares about others I will continue to keep no faith in humanity.  You have to be able to compromise, you have to be able to look inside yourself and put yourself in someone else's position. 

I'm having a hard time believing in myself when I can't even believe in anyone else that surrounds me.

Boys are silly silly human beings

Well. That's that.
I'm going to have to find someone else to focus on.

Will someone get me out of this poisonous environment and introduce me to some real people that live realistic lives and actually care about humanity and the people around them?

Lately I've had a hard time putting my finger on my emotions and how I feel about my relationships with certain people.  Every time I come close to being sure, an action is taken and my whole opinion changes.   People change too. They change as they grow.  Truthfully, I think people never really develop into better versions of themselves. I think when they're younger, they care only about themselves, and don't hesitate to show that to everyone.  When they're older, however, they learn how to hide it better. They learn how to put on an act and cover up their self centered outlook on life.  I wonder if there is anyone out there that actually cares about the people around them. I would kill to know them.

Tangent. I'd like to stop being Ms. Nice Girl and start standing up for myself and getting what I want.   I just don't know where to begin and how to feel about a new me.

I love being in charge,
I also love being the bitch for once.

Yay, camp. Yay me standing up for myself.

Yay summer?